Therapeutic Failures
by caffienatednerd
Summary: The remaining countries started talking among themselves again, not really expecting Austria to actually send them to therapy, because that would be ridiculous. No pairings. T for language and general stupidity.
1. Chapter 1

What is this tomfoolery! meganerd had the idea for this story, and I've written the majority of it so far. Hope you enjoy the first chapter! **Hetalia belongs to not us.**

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"And that is how the awesome-ification of our meeting building should go!" Prussia finished, flicking off the PowerPoint presentation.

"Prussia... remind me how posting up pictures of you, France, and Spain wearing little to no clothing all around our meeting building going to increase productivity?" Austria's brain was relatively dead. It was going to take a lot of therapy to remove the PowerPoint's images from his brain.

"It won't increase productivity," Prussia huffed, as if Austria's was the stupidest question he'd ever heard in his life (although yesterday when he'd been half asleep and hungover he'd had to ask Germany where his socks were, when in fact they had been hanging off his ears), "It'll increase AWESOME-IVITY."

"Like, why are you even, like, here Prussia? You're, like, not even like a nation anymore." Poland mused after Prussia and Austria had stared each other down. Prussia sent him a look that hardly rivaled Russia's cutest homicidal grins and Poland laughed it off.

"I am a country! On the inside!" Prussia stumbled over his words to find a suitable retort before finishing, "I'm still more awesome than you! Y-you useless cross-dresser!"

"You're the useless one!" yelled Lithuania in protection of his boyfriend. Russia and America began staring at Lithuania in awe. He'd never really stood up for himself before, much less someone else.

"Become one with me, new sparkly tough Lithuania!" Russia swooned.

While the majority of Europe was yelling at and or coming onto each other, France began pestering England. England, as usual, overreacted and yelled much more than was strictly necessary.

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!" yelled Germany after a few minutes of the insanity that was, by now, expected at every world meeting (especially the ones Prussia attended). Everyone turned to look at Germany, meaning nobody saw as North Italy pranced into the meeting room, nearly an hour late, wearing something which suspiciously resembled many of the articles in Hungary's massive dress closet.

"Hey everyone! Sorry I'm so late, ve! I had to get more pasta! Ve~."

"Italy... Your cross-dressing issues are getting out of hand. You're starting to get worse than Poland." said Austria quietly as Italy settled down into his seat. Italy turned to Germany with a confused look on his face.

"What's cross-dressing, Germany?" the blond nation looked at the dress-flaunting Italian man and facepalmed.

"Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much," Prussia began, and Poland clapped a manicured hand over the albino nation's mouth.

"That's like, the wrong talk, stupid!" Poland looked to Italy now, speaking as seriously as possible when on the subject of cross-dressing, and said, "It's a life choice, Feli dear. If you like, want to wear women's clothing, then you don't let anyone stop you, like, do it, girl!"

"Yay!" North Italy totally agreed with whatever it was Poland had just said one-hundred percent, even if he wasn't quite sure what it meant, but damn if it hadn't sounded peppy.

Suddenly America screamed like a little girl.

"Holy shit! I have a clone!" he yelled, and Canada sighed.

"I'm Canada. Can. Na. Da. Your brother?"

Half of the meeting room took this opportunity to ask, "Who?"

Canada nearly fell over.

"No, clone, don't die on me now, you're a scientific miracle! But wait, what if the clones have an uprising? Should I save you, or let you die? I must think of what's best for the human race!"

"...Right," England said pointedly, and began conversing with Freddie Sparkles Trottinghoof Rainbowston III the unicorn (Freddie for short). America continued to fret over his brother, who was at this point catatonic in his seat, and a few of the nations previously attending the meeting had slipped out during the rabble.

"Is it just me, America, but you seem to be acting... Stranger than usual. Do you maybe need something to eat?" Austria asked, and America froze.

"What are you talking about!" he said, turning to face Austria with an enormous (rather creepy) grin on his face, "I'm eating just fine! Haha, I just had my bi-daily block of cheese! Hahahaha~!" Austria frowned.

"Right, so you're eating one block of cheese... Every other day." America nodded vigorously. "That isn't healthy at all, America." America just kept grinning at him. Austria shivered.

"Say, Austria, do you know where my car went? I parked it outside this morning, but from when I went outside during break it seems to have disappeared." America said suddenly. Poland writhed around in his seat, fanning himself.

"Like, America, it's probably not parked where you thought you parked it, right? Maybe you, like, just forgot! Maybe it's parked, like, right around the corner next to the cute little bakery with the blue sign in the window! And, uh, maybe it's been hotwired since it - didn't - move!"

"Thanks, Poland! I have been pretty absent-minded ever since I went on this diet, so you're probably right!" America said cheerfully, before passing out from malnutrition. Poland visibly relaxed.

Korea took this opportunity to grope America, because diets that made people pass out originated in him. Yeah.

Greece, as it happened, was asleep, because Greece could sleep through _anything_.

Finland giggled, because Christmas was coming up. He couldn't wait to be Santa Claus again this year. This made Switzerland aim his gun at him, because Finland's giggle sounded perverse. The only reason Finland didn't get a bullet in the side for sounding like a creeper was because Liechtenstein, who was excited to get a Christmas present because she'd been a good little girl all year long, pulled down Switzerland's gun arm before he could pull the trigger. Finland was lucky.

"You're all stupid bastards, _mio dio_." S. Italy yelled before standing up angrily and leaving, and Spain followed him.

Every country still actually attempting to participate actual 'getting stuff done' part of the meeting sighed, because they really weren't _getting stuff done_, and most of them stopped trying to _get stuff done_ and just started talking among themselves.

Austria stood up angrily, being one of the few who really fucking wanted to _get stuff __**done**_. The room suddenly went quiet - angry Austrians were _almost_ as frightening as angry Germans, and ten times more deadly.

"All. Of you. Have serious issues. And need to go to therapy." he whispered, and stormed elegantly out of the room. Only aristocratic Austrians have the ability to storm elegantly.

The remaining countries started talking among themselves again, not really expecting Austria to actually send them to therapy, because that would be ridiculous.

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I totally got lazy towards the end of this chapter, sorry. Nothing to be done about it now! **Remember to review!** I mean. Seriously!

_mio dio_ - Italian - my God


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Hey guys, It's Meganerd97 here! I thought since ice does all the introductions and what not, that I should do an introduction for once. **_

_**So, here I am. Making an introduction.**_

_**And now I am done making an introduction.**_

_**DISCLAIMER: Sadly, No one has given me and ice the rights to Hetalia yet, so we don't own it. BUT, we do own Fenelopy and Marvin! HAHA!**_

Fenelopy Thompson was fresh out of college with a major in psychology. The British native was in America to make a name for herself in the study of the human psyche, and with a brand new office in New York, New York, she was ready to welcome test subjects... er, therapy patients, into the tender loving care of incessant questions and a clipboard. Oh, yes.

"Oi, Marv," she said as her lanky secretary, Marvin, walked into her office while balancing a tall stack of files in his arms, "any potentials?"

"Actually," he replied after hefting the files up onto her desk, "this guy, um, Edelstein I think his name was... Anyway, this Edelstein guy, he came in this morning with the names of a bunch of potential clients, think I've got a list somewhere in here..." he said under and started leafing through the files.

"What, already? Bloody hell, I didn't think I'd get any head cases in the first week or so!"

"You know it's not nice to call the patients head cases, did they teach you any manners in therapist school, or whatever - ah, here it is." He pulled the sheet in question from the stack with a flourish.

"Okay, okay, okay, what've we got... Oh, look, it's alphabetized, how fancy." Fenelopy rolled her eyes.

"Get on with it, Marv." she said, spinning in her swivel chair to face him, fingers bridged.

"Yeah, so - holy shit there's a lot of names here - Beilschmidt, Ludwig; Beilschmidt, Gilbert; Bonnefoy, Francis; Braginski, Ivan; Braginski, Natalya; Carriedo, Antonio; Héderváry, Elizabeta; Jones, Alfred; Karpusi, Heracles; Kirkland, Arthur; Lukasiewicz, Feliks; Soo, Im Yong; Vargas, Feliciano; Vargas, Romano; can't pronounce this shit, Tino; Wang - " Marvin paused to snicker at this (he wasn't particularly mature), "Y-Yao; Zwingli, Vash, and..." he paused again, this time to turn over the sheet of paper, "that's it."

Fenelopy reached out one hand. "Give me that," she said, and Marvin handed the list to her.

"That's strange." she huffed, brows furrowed. "All of these family names seem to be of different nationalities."

"When are they coming in?" asked Fenelopy, wondering how she was going to be able to control a whole ROOM of head cases in her first week.

"In 5-4-3-2-1-"

"Please, explain why I was dragged into this. I CLEARLY am the only sane one here." Yelled Romano as he came bursting into the room. Germany came next, giving a silent wave. North Italy came in, trailing after Germany talking about the pasta that he had last night, which, for the record is the same pasta he always had.

There were a number of couches around the room, Germany dove for his own, hoping to avoid the gathering crowd. North Italy dove onto Germany's lap and every one just stared while Germany struggled and pretend like he wasn't enjoying his little Italian lap-dance.

"GET OFF MY BROTHER YOU BASTARD!" Yelled Romano at the top of his lungs. Anger management problem, thought Fenelopy while writing down all the names, with plenty of room for notes.

"I'm not on your brother. He's on me." said Ludwig, matter-of-fact-ly

"Uh.. Hello, I'm your new therapist, Fenelopy. Nice to meet you all."

"And, I''m Marvin. Nice to meet you all." Said Marvin, shooting a wink at every male in the room. Only France returned the wink.

"Hello, I'm Ludwig Beilschmidt. This is is Feliciano Vargas."

"BASTARD! LET MY BROTHER INTRODUCE HIMSELF! I'm Romano Vargas. As you may be able to tell, Feliciano is my brother."

"Hola! I'm Antonio Carredio! Sorry my little Lovi was rude to you, that's just the way he is. But he's so cute when he's angry isn't he?" While talking, Spain played with Romano's curl until Romano pushed him off.

"Dammit, You bastard, You know not to touch that! And you, French bastard, get off him! He's close enough to me, so if you get close to him, you're close to me." Yelled Romano, pushing both men away.

"Bonjour, mon ami. I'm Francis Bonnefoy. I enjoy wine, women, and men. Basically, I enjoy anyone with, well, anything!" said France, slipping Marvin and Fenelopy his phone number, rather, well, France-like.

"Hey, guys, don't forget the AWESOME me! I'm Gilbert Beilschmidt, The most AWESOME person ever! That guy who's getting a lap dance from pasta freak over there is my brother. We're very close. But he's not as AWESOME as me!" As per always, everyone bowed their head in shame at the fact that they considered Prussia a friend, or comrade. Except for Italy. He didn't even know what the hell was going on, except that Germany promised to take him out for pasta later.

"Hey! Don't you talk about my brother that way, Bastard! You're making him seem like a ho!"

"Awww, Is little Lovi getting all protective again? Seriously, I'm amazed that you and your bro aren't doing it every night. The only evidence I have against that is the fact that Ludwig and Feli are doing every Saturday. Since I live the basement, I can hear it. It's not a nice sound." Prussia made a disgusted face while taunting Romano. For some reason, he felt like pissing him off today. He felt like pissing everyone off today

"ARGH! BASTARD!" Yelled Romano while reaching for Prussia's neck.

"Okay, guys. Let's get quiet and talk about your problems! Guys! GUYS!" Fenelopy yelled, throwing her arms up. Everyone turned to Fenelopy, stopping what they were doing. "Okay. Now. We're going to talk about our- I mean your- problems."

"Where to start?" said Germany quietly from the corner. Italy was still sitting on his lap, and he was having a very hard time concentrating.

"Ludwig's a pervert!" yelled Prussia, a little louder than necessary.

"No, I'm not!"

"Ludwig, what would you be if you weren't a pervert?"

"A normal person."

"If you're not going to admit it, I'm just going to have to find evidence.."

"Ludwig, are you a pervert?" asked Fenelopy, no better way to solve problems than by intruding on some insane conversation.

"No, I most certaianly am NOT. Gilbert, who still hasn't moved out of my basement, must of found some old stuff down there."

"Who's stuff is it then?"

"NOT MINE." yelled Germany before letting out a string of explitaves in German. Prussia, being the only knowing German, gasped as his brother's sudden anger.

"Oh, my Ludwig! You should go wash your mouth out with soap! Or, you can just use Feli's tongue, each of them could virgin up your mouth! Kind of like Orbit." said Prussia with a smirk.

Germany moved Italy off his lap, walked up to Prussia and began strangling him. Romano joined to, just cuz Prussia called his brother a virgin. No one but his brother called his brother a virgin. After a few minutes of 'brotherly love' and Romano venting out his anger, Fenelopy decided to break it up. France, deciding to do something, since he hadn't appeared for a little while, began to flirt with Marvin, who, for some reason, was still in the room.

"Come on, guys. You don't have to fight, please don't. Not in my office. If you could, avoid the painting please... Ok, I guess not. BASTARDS, BREAK IT UP." Surprised by Fenelopy's sudden yelling, Ludwig stopped trying to kill his brother.

"Now, let's all sit down, and talk about other people's problems. Ok, Ummm..."

"OOH! I'll start ~vee! I'm Feliciano Vargas! But you probably already know that..."

"Ok, thank you for voulenteering Feliciano. Can I call you Feli?"

"Yes!" yelled North Italy, thrilled to have a new friend.

"So, guys. What are Feli's problems?"

Everyone, except for Germany, who had started crying on North Italy's shoulder, said ethier "He's addicted to pasta." or "He's a cross-dresser."

"Douitsu, what's a cross-dresser?"

"Well, Italy... Umm, Well... Oh.. It's... a... Ah, ummm..."

Prussia, of course stepped in. "Italy, a cross dresser is some one who likes to berühren sich in der Nacht."

"Nien." said Germany, smacking Prussia on the head.

"Okay," said Feneolpy, reminding herself to buy a German to English dictionary later, maybe one from every language they had at the bookstore too. "So, Feli, are you a pasta addict?"

"Veee~ I LOVE PASTA~!" yelled North Italy at the top of his lungs "PASTA PASTA PASTA PASTA YEAH~" North Italy began to do a anthem of sorts and was dancing around the room.

"Okay... And do you wear women's clothing?"

"Veeeee~ Sometimes, ve~"

"Do any of you want to talk to Feli about his issues?"

"Feli, you look so cute in those dresses!" said Spain, resorting to his usual pedo self.

"I agree! Petit Feli looks très adorable! He should never stop wearing those dresses!" Yelled France, turning away from Marvin.

"Never stop? You mean this has been going on for a long time?"

"Wi. Feli has been wearing dresses since he was a little child, since the person dressing him thought he was a girl. Then, he hit puberty and his voice changed and we all knew, Out petit Feli is, in fact, A boy! A very attirant boy!"

"Francis, you are damn lucky I don't know any French, other wise, I would kill you whenever I got the chance, È pervertito bastardo..."

"Hey, Marvin! Cancel all my other appointments! I have a definite reason to just focus on Mr. Roderich and the rest of his 'family'!"

"We're NOT a family. I'm just sayin'" said Prussia, finding it horrific to even think about being related to Austria.

_**A/N: Of course, Prussia gets the last word, cos he's so damn AWESOME. And ice was wrong about the 'No pairings' thing. I ADDED THE PAIRINGS, Being the terrible rebel that I am.  
**_

_**As per always, REVIEW.**_

_**OR, GERMANY WILL SET THE DOGS ON YOU.**_


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, it's ice. HAPPY HETALIA DAY (10.24.2010)! Have the next chapter of this crack-filled herpderping! I wrote most of it, anyhow. **WE NO OWN 'KAY.**

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"So, now that we're done with Feliciano, who else wants to talk about their problems? Oh, and, none of you are leaving until I can identify them. Why don't you go next... Antonio?"

"Si, senorita," he replied morosely, "apparently it is a problem to _love_!" Fenelopy, intrigued, told him to continue, and Francis ended up giving input as well.

"Well, I love! I love a lot. And when Feli and Lovino were small, I loved them, too!"

"I loved the Italies petit, aussi!" Francis gushed, and Fenelopy scribbled '_Antonio and Francis - pedophiles?_' onto her clipboard.

"I see. And how did you show them that you loved them?"

"Well, I looked after Lovino when he was growing up - I guess I was his boss, si! So we had lots of time together. Alone."

"Augh! Bastard! My curl hasn't gotten over the abuse!"

"... I see." Fenelopy crossed out the question mark. "Okay, so Antonio, Francis... Why don't we give some time to the others? They only got to talk for a while after you came in and it was only about Ludwig's strange perversions ... which may or may not have been baseless conjecture." Ludwig, who had been about to protest, snapped his mouth shut.

"Why don't you give your side of it, Ludwig? What do _you_ think you're here for?"

The Aryan man bit back a retort of, 'I have no idea. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few sane ones among this strange little _family_.' He didn't have the time to argue with a shrink, and it would be easier to just pretend he had a problem and have her help him 'fix' it.

"Well... I think I'm here for my ... OCD."

"Oh? How long have you been obsessive-compulsive?" Fenelopy asked, excitedly scribbling on her clipboard. A lead! A lead! Yaaay!

"I think it started a few years ago, back in the nineteen-hu... Back in 2008..." The scribbling stopped.

"Uhuh, and why do you think you have OCD?" she asked.

"Oh, I KNOW that West has OCD! Even when little Feli here is trying to cook in his house he's cleaning up after him, right Feli?"

"Sí, once he put away something I wasn't even done with!" the younger Italian chirped, and his older brother glowered at Ludwig, murmuring (_"Potato sucking scum.."_).

"So, Ludwig, you have to clean even while the mess is still being created?" she tapped her pencil against the clipboard.

"That has been known to happen, yes." he replied honestly.

"Alright! Now - oh, wait, look what time it is! Alright, look everyone, we're out of time. Since Mr. Edelstein is in charge of all of your appointments, I'll call him to make future arrangements, but tomorrow I want to see Gilbert, Lovino... I'm sorry, sir, do you want to be called Lovino or Romano? Okay, Gilbert, Romano, Francis, I want you in my office tomorrow at 10 AM sharp, okay?"

Romano looked a bit pale, (and so did Gilbert, but really...) but Francis and Gilbert nodded and Francis promised to 'drag the angry Italy in if necessary'.

The hodge-podge of nationalities stumbled out of her office one by one and then the pale man turned,

"Are there any bars around here?" asked Gilbert, hoping that the place was close. It was never too early to get hammered.

"Uh, there's a bar about a block from here. They do karaoke every night."

"That sounds - " Ludwig began, but his brother was quick to interrupt.

"Like the most awesome idea ever!" he yelled, hoping to get West really drunk there, and maybe catch his antics on film.

"Oui! That sounds like fun!" Francis followed up, and herded them all out the door.

Fenelopy stared after them all, and when the door to her office slammed shut she picked up the phone and dialed the number Marvin had written on a slip of paper and dropped onto her desk (where had he gone, anyway?). She had a few questions for Roderich Edelstein...

::

The group (plus Marvin, who Francis had dragged in with them) of countries - an eager France and willing Prussia, an oblivious Spain and equally oblivious Italy Veneziano, and the off-put Germany and Italy Romano - was gathered in a single booth in one corner of the bar as terrible drunken singing drifted over their heads. Francis flirted with the lanky American he'd whisked away from the therapist's office as the man's blush grew progressively deeper red, a worthy rival to some of Romano's more embarrassed faces, until a server came to their booth and asked them what they would like to drink. Prussia, France and Spain jumped at the offer of alcohol and even Romano requested wine, but Germany insisted that he and Italy wouldn't drink, ignoring Romano's angry, "Let him choose for himself, bastard!"

He caved into ordering when he discovered that the bar served his favorite beer, and when the drinks came Feliciano repeatedly took sips from his brother's glass.

The countries began getting less and less reserved as their glasses kept being emptied, refilled, emptied and refilled again (and even went so far as to forget what their human names were supposed to be), and Prussia even managed to get West up to the mic for a terrible rendition of Rammstein's _Du hast_ in the original German, and afterward Veneziano joined his brother and Spain (who'd dragged Romano up in the first place) in singing _Always_ by Erasure.

_ALWAYS, I WANNA BE WITH YOU,_

_AND MAKE BELIEVE WITH YOU,_

_AND LIVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,_

_OH LOVE!_

Prussia was very, very proud to have all of the footage on his camera.

::

Marvin walked back into Fenelopy's office a few hours after he'd left, just after she'd finished making calls and cleaning up the office (Roderich's extended family had not exactly left the place in pristine condition, and the conversation with the man itself had been long and not turned up the answers she would have hoped for, either).

"Hey, Marvin. I could have used your help after they left, you know."

"I'm sorry, Fenny. The Frenchman literally dragged me."

"Okay, first of all, don't call me 'Fenny.' Second, are you drunk?"

"Just a bit tipsy... Nothing at all compared to your clients, I didn't drink more than two glasses, and lost count of how many they downed. You know, when those people get drunk enough, they forget each other's names and just call them by the name of whatever country they're from?"

"That's odd. I think if I were as wasted as you say they were, I'd forget my knowledge of geography before my friend's names."

"That's not the weirdest part. You know Prussia?"

"Um, you mean Russia?" Fenelopy asked, tilting her head.

"No. Prussia, as in the fallen kingdom of Prussia. Used to occupy east Germany, parts of Poland, Austria... Anyway, it fell in 1918."

"And what does that have to do with my clients?" she asked. Sure, Marvin was a history major, but he didn't usually flaunt the facts around without reason.

"I'm getting to it, calm down woman. So, they were calling the older Beilschmidt, Gilbert, 'Prussia'. In turn, he was calling Ludwig 'West'. Seem odd at all?"

Fenelopy leaned back in her chair. "Yeah, of course. Why would an east German identify as being Prussian, especially someone as apparently uncaring for tradition as Gilbert? Anyway, he doesn't look like he's even thirty yet. It's not like he was actually alive before it fell!"

"Exactly. Strange, isn't it?"

"Well," Fenelopy said, "I've got to see him again tomorrow. It's worth thinking about, anyway." She stood and escorted her secretary out the door. "Have the day off tomorrow. I need to focus on my new clients!"

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Notenotenote! I am so not letting meganerd put pairings in this, no way. So, um. If anyone's together with anyone, it will be mercilessly made fun of rather than being expressed romantically. Love is not at the forefront of this crackfic~!

Also, I don't want Fenny to find out about the clients = personified countries, at least not for awhile yet. This is merely a precursor to the epic mystery of why her head cases are so effed up in their craniums!

So, um review _please_! Also, I am now going to take this opportunity to shamelessly advertise my multi-chaptered fics!

Want accidental PruCan? Go here (no spaces!) : www .fanfiction .net/s/5890224/1/Who

Want some lovely angsty Italycest? Find it here (no spaces!) : www .fanfiction .net/s/5981960/1/Six_Kisses


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